I sit here at home wondering what I had done wrong. Why is my work of 14 years trying their damnedest to fire me? Who did I tick off? Why me? That is all I can think of.
For those of you who don’t know… My name is Lou-Ellen Bissell and I’m an abuse survivor. My first husband had kept me trapped at home with no way to leave, no place to go to, and no one to talk to because he had made sure that I had chosen HIM over everyone, especially family.
I sit here at home now and no one really understands what that does to me. You see, I was fired on July 18th 2019 because I have a website, yes, this one. My work says that this is a business and I have been caught “promoting my business” to our taxpayers (the ones who owe taxes and call me to set up a payment plan or to pay it in full). So, they put this taxpayers name in my dismissal paperwork and I researched and found said taxpayer on Facebook. I requested a friendship with her so that we can talk via messenger. After a few weeks, she finally looked and accepted my friend request. I asked if she remembered me (remember we hadn’t talked since January 2019). She immediately said YES! How are you? I told her my story and she immediately reached out to my union representative to tell my rep her side of the story. Well, my Rep sent in a grievance and they rejected the grievance, reinstated me but on paid administrative leave to do further investigation. (WAIT! WHAT?!!!???? You mean that they fired me without doing a FULL INVESTIGATION?)
So here I sit at home, feeling all the triggers my first husband had set upon me. I can’t leave from 8-5 Monday through Friday. I can’t go anywhere, I can’t even make a doctor’s appointment because I live 30 minutes away from town and I don’t have leave time to do the simplest things like doctor appointments and no grocery shopping during the week, need to wait for the weekend. I lost my car and now I drive our 2004 Ford F-350 Dually Long box pick-up truck. My car would only cost me about $200/mo for gas now this truck is a diesel and it costs me $150/wk for fuel.
I feel useless, confused, and all I want to do is cry! I want the investigation to be finalized. I want it all to END! I feel trapped! I feel like I did when my ex kept me a prisoner in my own home. I feel like a prisoner. I have no one to talk to. No one to listen to me and my fears. NO one is here! I’m so scared, so alone! No one understands what I am feeling, what I am going through or how being at home makes me feel and think. I have to FIGHT DAILY with myself to stay as sane as I can. I feel so worthless, I feel so unwanted, I feel so alone, I feel— SOO MUCH and it scares me to pieces!!! I don’t want to go outside on our 2 acres, I don’t want to play with my 20 month old grandson who lives with me as well as his mom, our daughter.
I fight my depression as I haven’t taken a shower in at least 3 days now. I feel inhumane. This investigation, the 2nd one, has been going on since Aug 21st. When will they put me out of my misery? They don’t realize the pain, agony, anguish and mistrust they are putting me through. I know they are trying their darnedest to find anything to fire me without being sued. They want me gone. But WHY? What Have I DONE!??!!
The sad thing is, I have tried to talk to attorneys and they say that I don’t have a case. It doesn’t matter that my work is defaming my character. I have high work ethics, perfect attendance unless I have been sick or on vacation, very dependable, I even help out my co-workers when I can. I have not had any write-ups or any talking to. My performance has been impeccable. Yet, they are doing their best to discredit me. WHY? What Have I DONE!??? I feel like a prisoner, I feel like I’m on house arrest.
I would like to know how this website is a business. I mean, show me the money? where is the revenue from having this FREE BLOG WEBSITE????
Yes I have written books, but I don’t advertise that at my work to our taxpayers, only my co-workers. I don’t tell people to BUY it.
I might as well have a hard cast iron anklet on me. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I fight my mind daily, as I mentioned above. It’s hard to even think straight much less feel worthy of anything. Maybe I need to write a poem of being on house arrest, not from jail though, but from being on paid administrative leave from work. hmmmm. there is a thought.
Anyway, love to all. sorry so long and boring.