Domestic Violence

How does one stop loving their narcissistic abuser?

Before I dive into this question.. let me give you the true definition of narcissistic abuse:  

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse projected by a narcissist on to another individual. Although narcissistic abuse is primarily focused on emotional and psychological abuse, there are other types of narcissistic abuse that can be classified in this category. These include abuses such as financial, spiritual, sexual, and physical.

The intense feelings of attraction, love, missing them, repulsion, and more is what is called trauma bond.

Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.

Proverbs 4:17 says: “Evil and violence are their food and drink.” What this verse is saying is that violence is as much a part of their life as eating and drinking is.

Psalm 11:5 says: “The LORD tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.”

This is NOT LOVE it’s a form of emotional addiction. It’s like being put through an old washer wringer that takes all the water out of the article of clothing only to put back in the water again. Pretty much like being sucked dry from all affection then when you do don’t think you can live like that, they throw you a bone or a little hug or an I love you affection, then it’s all OK! Right?

I read on the web that: Being in love with a narcissist is like getting exposed to a sneaky infection. Your love, trust and receptivity opened the door for the virus to enter and now you are battling two perceptions at once — theirs and yours. One has to die. Illness and wellness cannot coexist.

So how does one stop missing their narcissistic ex; by 1—making truth your ally.

John 8:32 says: “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Do not buy into their lies, manipulation, etc… get yourself anchored and back to reality. Remember feelings can lie to you as well. 

How? By writing or recording (like a voice recording app, a recorder or whatever) as many things as you can remember all he/she did to hurt you as you recall them. 

Put them in bullet point list and put them where you can see them daily: fridge, mirror, door, table, favorite place to sit, or wherever you can or make many and put up all over the place that you can easily see/reach.

Then from your list make a one liner: for instant… (name) is a lying, manipulative person and I have no room for negativity in the happy life I’m creating.

Memorize it and repeat it every stinking time his/her memory pops in your head and tries to make you THINK you can’t live without them!!

Step 2: being mindful

Mindful definition, attentive, aware, or careful (usually followed by of): mindful of one’s responsibilities.  

When you start being more aware or mindful you want to empty all thoughts of past events and focus on the here and now and what YOU WANT, YOU NEED!

Little by little the more mindful you are of your needs, your self-care (which I will get into later) the more of the negative thoughts or ANTS as I heard on a YouTube once (which means Automated Negative Thought Syndromes) will be replaced with more positive and loving thoughts you need.

For me, it’s writing in a journal. I started with 3 things I wanted to accomplish. It was little like making my bed, playing with my children without wanting to stop after 5 minutes, maybe crocheting or watching tv with the kids and having popcorn. Whatever your to-do things are, write them down and do it!  

And remember if thoughts of your ex pop in, remember your 1 liner above!

Step 3: Connection

I don’t know about you but my ex had me isolated from family and I had no friends. Now is the time to reconnect with family and friends or make new friends. Isolating yourself further will only hurt you and you won’t be able to heal and get him/her out of your head. You need to reset your Heart, Mind and Soul. I started with God, but you can start anywhere, just START!

I know it will be hard to trust people or yourself! This is completely normal, but get out there and make new friends or visit old ones just move forward.

Connecting with yourself is also very, very important. It’s important for you to know that as smart as you are that the narcissists have a way to break down our self worth without us even realizing it until it’s too late.   It’s not like this is taught in school. We learn this the hard way.  We only wanted to be loved, to love The rest was, well, we were tricked.

Forgive yourself. I will write about that later. But for now know that at Ephesians 4:31-32  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Now back to connection. Go to movies with friends/family. Go to the ocean, lake or the woods or forest—spending time in nature also helps put things in perspective.

If you have hobbies or things you like to do, find classes with those things in mind FOR YOU and be with like-minded people. You might just find some inspiration and new ideas!

Is there a project you wanted to do? Now is the time to do it! Stop putting it off now and get cracking on it! Mine was writing and crocheting.. I’m doing both. What about you? What do you like or want to do?

Maybe even try new things, you never know, you might find something else you can like or love for YOU and only YOU.

The best thing I can say to you is that time heals all wounds.  

Jeremiah 30:17 says:  “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the LORD.”

Say NO to things and people that don’t fill you with deepness and just focus on you and what truly matters… your mental health recovery from such an abusive life/relationship.

Remember, you hold the key to your happiness.  You hold the key to your success or failure in life. What door will you open with this key is up to you. Use it wisely!

And in closing.. one last bible scripture…

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 is: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

If you haven’t subscribed, pleases do so. If you have, thank you so much. I hope this helps you.

Remember, God loves you and so do I!  Have a Blessed Day!

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About Lou

I am the light to brighten the way. Come on in and let's talk any day. I'm here to lend a shoulder or an ear. One can always leave me messages on here.
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