I never thought of myself as a victim, much less an abused victim. I just thought that the way I grew up was how it was. My abuser taught me that no one believes a child, they always believe the adults so there is no point in telling anyone, anything at all. I was also led to believe that I was unlovable unless I “put out”. If someone told me they loved me, it was because I gave it up to them.
When I was 17 1/2 years old, the first person to tell me they loved me without me putting out meant the whole world to me! I can’t believe he told me he loved me without sampling the goods first. I was so excited! We got married with me being six months pregnant and only five months past my 18th birthday.
Being brainwashed into thinking that the first person to love me without putting out, meant it was true love, right? He told me that I was pretty without make-up, so I stopped wearing make-up. He told me that married women didn’t dress sexy, so I started wearing ugly “mom” clothing. When he cheated on me, I was to accept it because he was my husband and my daughter’s father.
When he asked me to ask women to sleep with him, I would refuse and I’d get a beating. When he asked me to sleep with him and his cousin, I refused and he’d beat me. When I did cheat on him, I was the slut, the whore, the bad person in the relationship. It was my fault that we were having problems of trust. It was my fault…
I didn’t realize that these and so much more was abuse. I didn’t know. I never told anyone because (1) they wouldn’t believe me and (2) I was embarrassed of the life I lived.
By the time I realized that my husband was abusing me, we had been married for 10 years and we had three children. I felt that it was my fault and I had to find a way to be a better wife, mother, friend to him. I had to “fix” me in order for “us” to be whole.
I tried all sorts of things, religion too. He HATED me going to any religious group. He made my life worse when I would attend any type of religious meeting. So, I stopped going. I pushed people away, too. I didn’t want them to meet my husband and “fall” for him and never be my friend again. I worked outside of the home, as he wanted me to, and it was my get-a-way. It was great to have co-workers ask about my health and kids. I wouldn’t reveal much else about us as it was hard for me to acknowledge the truth about my marriage, my life, and lack of love in my life.
When we had been married for about six years we moved across country to get away from the alcohol and drugs he was into and away from the only family and life I knew. We moved over 3,000 miles away. We moved close to my dad and his wife and her kids (who are 20 years older than me).
I am skipping A LOT due to the length of this, my story is on Amazon if you want my book it’s called “Abused…It Is What It Is”.
From the time we got together, we lasted just over 13 years. He would call me names, hit me, berate me, belittle me, treat me like a child, humiliate me and oh so much more. He sexually abused me, verbally abused me, physically abused me, mentally abused me, emotionally abused me… the list goes on!
I am currently married to my 2nd and last husband. The trauma I went through finally broke me. I wrote about it (see above) and that is when it all came out. I had it hidden for so long that when it finally came out, my poor husband didn’t know how to handle my emotional roller coaster.
I still have episodes of the feelings that I grew up with. I still work on it day after day after day. I have depression, anxiety, high blood pressure and so much mental anguish that I am writing the steps I took to get where I am today.
The biggest step I took was to invite God back into my life. After my ex and I split, I blamed God for many, many years. I realize now that it wasn’t GOD who put me where I was, but it shore is GOD who is showing me how I can help others.
Living with the trauma of my abuse isn’t easy, it is doable, but it’s hard some days and easy the other days. I know for me, I put all my trust in God and I lean on HIM and my husband.
Do you have anyone you can lean on, talk to, trust? Reach out to me. I’ll be here for you! God already is, if you will let him.
I also have a YouTube channel if you’d like to subscribe to that. (you can watch how I make a fool of myself talking to myself! lol)
Remember God loves you and so do I! Hugs and loves!